5 Things You Didn’t Know About Surfing

In the same way that some people say "I don't do pain," or "Nope, I don't do spiders," or "snakes," or whatever.

I don't do athletic. I just can't. But I’m tall and trim so I can fool most anybody into thinking I'm in shape.

The truth is if I didn’t have hands to catch myself I’d have no face from all the tripping and falling I’ve done over the years. My nose would be flat. Just a flat nose. Just a flat face with a flat nose because I’m a big non-athletic clutz.

But apparently I’m good at surfing.

On my first wave I jumped to my feet, kept my balance for a short distance, and sat back down before I wiped out. And I actually did that more than once. That’s surfing right? I'll pretend it is.

Our Instructor From The Zoo

I’ve got to give credit to our instructor though, a man who introduced himself as Armadillo, or Armor for short. He claimed to come from the zoo. He has a brother named Possum, and other family members from the rat species.

Honestly, if you asked me if he was kidding, I wouldn’t know what to say. In between pushing back long strands of gnarled blond locks from his copper face and looking like he desperately needed some weed to take his mind off his hangover, for all I know Armadillo probably actually was born in the zoo.

5 Things You Didn’t Know About Surfing

1. Bikinis and Surfboards Don’t Mix
Most movies about surfing always show the female surfers in bikinis because, well, I think the reason is obvious, but after 10 minutes on a surfboard you begin to realize just how unrealistic that is. Surfboards HURT! Even with a long-sleeved surf shirt my stomach and chest were beat red by the end of our lesson and the insides of my thighs were chaffed from straddling the board.

2. Surfing Should Be Called “S.E.D.”
Surfing shouldn’t be called surfing. It should be called Shoulder Exercise, or maybe S.E.D., for “Shoulder Exercise, Dude," because, really, there's little "surfing" involved. There's lots of paddling and chaffing and falling and swimming and praying and looking for sharks, but surfing is actually a very small part of the whole process.

3. "Surfer Dudes" Are Real
They’re not just some stereotype invented for TV. I already told you about Armadillo, who is every bit the laid back surfer dude you’ve ever imagined, but there were plenty of others just like him with long, scraggly hair, sun-spotted skin, and a nonchalant strut.

4. Surfing Will Kill You … No, Really.
Death is a major deal in surfing. If you don’t do it right it will kill you. There are sharks in the water that can kill you. There are rocks and rock walls that a wave can plow you into in a matter of seconds, killing you. If a wave carries you in too far and too fast even the beach will kill you. When you wipe out there are rocks and coral under the water that will gash your body, slice your arms and legs, and, yes, even kill you.

5. Snowboarding Doesn’t Make You A Better Surfer
I was proud to tell Armadillo that I was a fair snowboarder on the wintery cold mountains of Vermont. He just dropped his head between his shoulders and shook his head. Apparently snowboarders are hard to teach. When your brain is so used to having your feet strapped to the board it can be hard to get your mind to remember that surfing requires you to often change your footing.

Going Back for Seconds?

Unfortunately, cameras and surfing don’t mix, so Danielle and I have no actual proof that we did any of this. We intended to go back and take turns surfing while the other took pictures from the shore, but, honestly, surfing can, like, totally freaking kill you, so we decided to get pizza instead.