Is Stephen King Overrated?

My mother wouldn't let me anywhere near Stephen King's novels when I was a kid. Of course, that didn't stop me from reading them. Cujo was the first book of his that caught my attention because I thought the idea of people being terrorized by a demon-possessed dog sounded cool. Granted, Cujo is not King's best work.

But, to be frank, I never thought any of his work was that great. Even as a teen I got to a point where I couldn’t figure out why his books were so popular, and I thought, “You know what, I don't like these books. Why am I reading this?" From Carrie to It to Pet Sematary to Thinner, I thought King’s books were boring, wordy, unscary, and forgettable.

But that's not my beef with him. There are plenty of awful writers out there, and I just don’t bother reading them. But with King it’s different.

You see, he wasn’t all the rage when he first started writing. Throughout the early parts of his career, King was dogged by critics who called him out for his genre-specific, “popular” literary stylings, even as he was selling millions of books annually.

In the early 80s, The Toronto Globe called his novel Carrie "a clumsy experiment." The Los Angeles Times called Cujo "Paws" instead of "Jaws," saying, ‘[the book] doesn't work." In 1983, the same year that Christine and Pet Sematary were published, an essay in the Times suggested it was a slog for reviewers to read King's work, saying they would rather just have a beer with him than read his books. In 1986, the Times said, "Where did Stephen King, the most experienced crown prince of darkness, go wrong with It? Almost everywhere."

In 2003, King won the National Book Foundation’s award for distinguished contribution, and Boston.com writer and Yale professor Harold Bloom let the world know that giving King the award was wrong. He said it was “another low in the shocking process of dumbing down our cultural life.”

A recent article in The Huffington Post said King can’t write. The author, Michael Conniff, an instructor and writer himself, said Stephen King’s broad-stroke descriptions are actually hurting his work.

In an article in Salon, Dwight Allen from the LA Review of Books asked why is Stephen King so beloved? Allen dissected a bunch of his books and came to the conclusion that King is overrated as a writer and as a storyteller. He argued that sales do not translate to excellent writing, and questioned some publications that wrote glowing reviews of King's body of work.

So why is he so popular?

I think King’s saving grace was Hollywood. His books, though poorly written, were edgy, and edgy is always what catches the attention of Hollywood. Once movie makers started turning his books into feature films the Stephen King bandwagon really took off. Remember those two-night Stephen King television "events"—It, The Langoliers, Storm of the Century? When those mini series became trendy people assumed some literary masterpiece had landed on earth and they started they eating his books by the trough full.

And then King's popularity began to overshadow his shortcomings as a writer.

When King published the seventh volume of his Dark Tower series, The Washington Post gave it a gushing review, saying it was “a humane, visionary epic and a true magnum opus.” The New York Times listed his JFK assassination novel 11/22/63 one of "The 10 Best Books" of the year.

Ultimately, I don’t think the quality of King’s work stands up. In fact, I think it’s downright awful. For a guy who has taught English for much of his career, who had given lectures and written books about the importance of story, he spends a good deal of time drowning his stories in words.

But what do I know? King has sold over 350 million books so he is obviously doing something right. Readers have voted with their wallets, and they have crowned King… king. I’m glad that a fellow author has found success, I just wish it could be for the quality of his work and not because he won a popularity contest.

What do you think? Is Stephen King overrated?

Tell Me Again Why You Won't Read My Book

If you're still on the fence about my latest novel Rabbit Punch, here is a PDF download of the first 20 pages. Enjoy! Click to download.

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The biggest joy for any writer is having their work read. Nothing else means as much—not money, or book readings, or New York Times reviews. Just being read is its own reward. Well, for this writer anyway.

So when I come across people who aren't willing to give my book a chance, it's kind of frustrating, especially when they give me some of the excuses they've got for not reading Rabbit Punch.

Bear in mind the story is about the actions of an old retired boxer when he finds out his neighbor's 9-year-old daughter was abducted by pedophiles. He sets out on a one-man mission to punish those responsible. Think Death Wish in rural New England with some good old-fashioned Scottish flair.

I understand if content like this turns some people off. I've had several close friends and family members tell me they won't read it simply because they can't stomach this kind of thing. What frustrates me is that some of these people won't miss an episode of Criminal Minds or CSI, shows that depict the same kind of content I'm writing about.

One family member told me that Rabbit Punch goes against their moral beliefs, and they wouldn't want anyone in their church knowing they read that kind of stuff. But I've been in this person's home, and I've perused their bookshelves. I know what I've written about is no worse than what they've already read.

Maybe frustrated is the wrong word, because Rabbit Punch has received excellent word of mouth and great reviews. It's not like I'm dying for someone to 5-star me on Amazon. I think perplexed is a better word. Confused, maybe. They'll watch shows about murdered strippers and drug-dealing rapists, but they won't read a book about child abduction.

*shrugs*

Then again, maybe my twisted mind is just too jaded.

If you haven't decided to give Rabbit Punch a go, click here to download what is essentially the opening act. I hope you enjoy it!

10 Horror Movies That Are Actually Scary And Why

Tell me if you've heard this one before.

A group of unrealistically gorgeous twenty-somethings go out into the remote woods to get drunk and have sex when they stumble upon *insert random demonic zombie killing machine ghost creature here* and end up getting cut to ribbons.

Familiar?

Of course it is. Worse than the redundant storytelling, worse than the cheap jump scares, worse then the lack of originality, the problem with horror movies today can be summed up in one phrase: (to quote the great Magneto when he plugged Rogue in the back of the neck with a tranquilizer dart in the first X-Men): "Young people."

Young people running scared through the woods, Evil Dead.

Young people running scared through the woods, Friday the 13th (2009).

Young people running scared through the woods, Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Horror movies have always appealed to young people, teenagers mostly, people who don't know enough about the real horrors of life to even know what's scary. They'll jump at anything that's thrown on the screen accompanied by a loud sound effect and a splash of gore. And most of the time you don't even need the gore.

I still watch the occasional horror movie, but I'm selective with what I see. The first thing I look at is the cast. If they fall into that "unrealistically gorgeous twenty-something" range, I move on.

There have been some decent efforts though. The Blair Witch Project, Scream, Evil Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, but mostly it all looks the same: Final Destination, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Prom Night, House of Wax, My Bloody Valentine, Sleepaway Camp, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Joy Ride, Wrong Turn, Rest Stop, and all their sequels, remakes, ripoffs, and retreads.

You can only watch teenagers running around acting scared for so long. Eventually, you realize they're all repeating every performance that came before them, and that's not scary. Not in the least.

The Older Protagonist

I sincerely believe the problem with horror movies today is the lack of older protagonists.

There's something different psychologically about watching grown adults be scared, people who have been through enough of life's hardships to know that everything that goes bump in the night isn't a mask-wearing serial killer.

It's not the job of creature effects or jump scares to sell the fright. It's the responsibility of the cast. If we're convinced they're scared, then we crap our pants. And a young cast just can't sell the scare factor like seasoned adults.

That's why the protagonist in my latest novel, Rabbit Punch, is a 62-year-old retired boxer. His feathers don't ruffle easily, and it makes the stakes feel higher when they do.

Here are ten horror movies in random order that nailed it in the scare department thanks to a cast of mature actors that knew how to deliver scary.

ONE
Alien remains the quintessential "how to make a horror movie" movie. The entire cast is made up of mature adults, weathered and weary "truckers" who aren't easily deterred. So when they start losing their cool, you know what just hit the fan. You want to know when the Alien movies lost all sense of scariness? 2004. When the studios watered down this R-rated franchise to PG-13, cast a bunch of gorgeous young twenty-somethings, and marketed it to teens.

TWO
John Carpenter's The Thing remains another one of horror's classics. You can point to the tremendous creature effects, the isolating locations, or the brilliant direction as the reason this movie is so terrifying, but, as always, it's the cast of grown adult males that make this bit of science fiction feel real.

THREE
Jaws. It's not the shark jumping up out of the water that's scary. It's Chief Brody's reaction as he backs away slowly in shock until he looks at Quint and says, "You're going to need a bigger boat." People always remember the shark, but they don't realize that it's Chief Brody that sold the scare.

FOUR
Dog Soldiers looks like a B movie, and it is, but the thing that makes this werewolf story one of the best in its genre is the cast of hardened Scottish soldiers who, during a training exercise, wander into the territory of a family of werewolves. Nothing's scarier than seeing grown soldiers frightened out of their fatigues.

FIVE
The Pack. I've never found dogs to be scary, so I watched this movie with a bit of nonchalance. To my delight, the cast was mainly a middle-aged man and his wife, their two children, and a local police officer. When a pack of wild dogs start invading their farm, the scares feel genuine because anyone who knows a farmer knows rugged ol' farmers don't scare easy.

SIX
The Exorcist was plenty scary, but having someone with the aged gravitas of Max von Sydow playing Father Merrin lent the film a tonal weight that chilled the bones. The Exorcist is considered by many to be one of the scariest films ever made.

SEVEN
Predator. As far as horror movies go, this is more action, but you can't deny this franchise lost a lot of clout when the studio began watering down its R-rated content for teenagers—remember my mention of Alien vs Predator above? Before that, nothing was scarier than watching Arnold Schwarzenegger's tough-as-nails team of soldiers be terrorized in the jungle by an alien who thinks he's a spinal surgeon.

EIGHT
Misery. Hollywood, take note. Stephen King is not the master of horror for no reason. He knows what scares, and his books generally feature older protagonists. Misery, one of the best screen adaptations of King's books, works thanks to the sweaty, agonized performance of James Cann alongside Kathy Bates' psycho with a sledgehammer. Try not to flinch. I dare you.

NINE
The Shining. Who didn't cringe watching Jack Torrance lose his mind in the isolated Overlook Hotel? It's his wife, Wendy, played by actress Shelley Duvall—who was often actually terrified on set—who convinces us what's happening is truly frightening. And it works.

TEN
American Horror Story. There's a reason this show is scaring people all across the world. Its cast is almost entirely adults reacting to supernatural horror situations like any logical adult would react. Watching their pysches break down is the most terrifying thing of all.

My Latest Baby Goes Out Into The World With A Punch

There's something about the prospect of revenge that taps into the very animal inside us. It doesn't matter who you are. There's not a person on the planet who hasn't at one time or another wished for instant "karma" on someone else.

Movies like The Brave One, or Death Sentence, or the infamous slew of Charles Bronson Death Wish films, a revenge story hits us in the heart.

And so it was with no small degree of emotion that I penned Rabbit Punch. I started by asking myself what subject gets under my skin more than anything else. If someone did "_____" to someone I loved, I would totally lose my cool and go all Liam Neeson on them.

The answer, for me, was child sex trafficking. Considering I wrote the novel right after the birth of my firstborn son, "Rabbit Punch" is as raw and gritty as I could make it.

My other inspiration is real life hero Frank Corti, a retired junior boxing champion who served in the Royal Engineers. In 2009, at the age of 72, Mr Corti stopped a knife-wielding home invader using nothing but his fists. I've always enjoyed stories with a more mature protagonist because, simply put, old people are awesome!

Frank Cort

I can't name ONE horror movie starring a bunch of picture-perfect twenty-somethings that's actually scary. Why? Because young people scare too easily. There's nothing scary about watching a bunch of college students running from the boogeyman. Give me a character like Father Merrin from The Exorcist, a weathered old man who has seen it all. When someone like him gets scared, then you know the stakes are high.

All of this lead to the creation of the story behind Rabbit Punch as well as its main character, a 62-year-old retired boxer and tough-as-nails Scotsman, Glen McLeod.

From the back of the book

Glen McLeod learned to box the same way he learned to drink: through pain. Now 62 and a recluse in the rural community of Bath County, Glen spends his days with his garden, his dog, a bottle of hard liquor and harder memories.

That is until Lauren, the 9-year-old daughter of his next-door neighbor, is abducted.

When the county sheriff appears complicit in covering up the truth Glen begins his own investigation. The clues lead him to something more sinister than anyone expected. Caught between justice and revenge, Glen will discover what he’s truly capable of when he’s pushed against the ropes.

"Rabbit Punch" Proof Copy Arrives

Even though most people will probably not see this book in its print form, I like to examine a physical copy. My years as a graphic artist laying out books and interior designs has taught me to always examine the printer's work. Fonts and colors can look a lot different in print than they do on a computer. Errors pop out more too, whether they be typos or errors with the margins or design.

This copy looks pretty darn good. Got a few tweaks to make and then it's off to the presses.

I'm always pleased with my work until I see it in print form. Then my opinion changes to "What am I thinking? I can't release this into the world. This sucks!"

*palms face*

So, world, brace yourself for my sucky book.

How I Saw The Hero Change - A Look At Heroes In The Movies

I was raised in a pretty traditional home in rural Vermont. My father was a police officer. My mother a God-fearing woman. So a strong sense of justice and right and wrong was instilled in me.

As a kid, the types of heroes I gravitated to were the heart-of-gold heroes, uncompromising and duty-bound. The heroes who believed in truth and justice. Superman. Batman. Luke Skywalker. He-Man. The Ninja Turtles.

In the early 1980s, there was no question that heroes were good. It didn't matter what made them good, just that they were good, that they fought the bad guys and won in the end. And that's pretty much all I cared about too.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Handsome Stranger in Cactus Jack

When I was around eight years old, my mother introduced me to a movie that changed my perspective on what makes a hero. Cactus Jack, also known as The Villain, was a western comedy that starred Arnold Schwarzenegger as Handsome Stranger, a perfect cowboy who did what was right because, well, it was right. In my little eight-year-old eyes a hero couldn't get any bigger than Schwarzenegger. I mean, come on, he was Commando, Kalidor from Red Sonja, Detective John Kimble from Kindergarten Cop, and Dutch from Predator. He wasn't just a hero, he was the hero!

But the main character of Cactus Jack wasn't Schwarzenegger. It was the bad guy Cactus Jack Slade, played by Kirk Douglas, a thief and a scoundrel and a liar. Heck, he even had his own "Bad Men of the West" handbook. He was rotten to the core, but he was the hero of the story. Sort of. He was the focal point anyway, and it's the first time I remember thinking differently about what makes a character a hero.

Seeing the trend

As I got into my teen years I began to notice a trend in popular culture. Heroes went from being wholesome and good and chivalrous to dark and brooding and even more dangerous.

I didn't know it at the time, but the anti-hero was nothing new. The movement began, I think, in the 70s with films like Bobbie Jo and the Outlaw, Death Wish, and Dirty Harry—in fact, Clint Eastwood became the poster child for the brooding anti-hero for many years.

This wasn't just a film trend either.

In comic books, we saw the emergence of The Punisher and Wolverine in 1974. This ignited a dark and brooding anti-hero trend that exploded in the 80s with Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns—a title that redefined Batman as a nightmarish vigilante—and Alan Moore's Watchmen series, which gave a dark new definition to what makes a comic book hero.

In literature, we saw the popularity of the anti-hero rise with books like Steven King's The Dark Tower, Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club, and many, many others.

On the political front, Ronald Reagan began appointing conservative judges who cracked down on crime at a time when most of the public perceived crime rates as high. The sexual revolution and the Cold War era helped breed a mindset within American culture that had a lot to do with shrugging off society's standards and government control.

The public perception of what a hero was supposed to be was changing. No more Greek demigods or mortal "chosen ones." Heroes were becoming more human and more imperfect.

My favorite imperfect hero

For me, the next big milestone came in the early '90s when Bruce Willis took on his most iconic role, that being the tough-as-nails cop John McClain in Die Hard (1988), Die Hard 2 (1990), and Die Hard with a Vengeance (1995). I might not have been drawn to a character like John McClain with his drinking binges, foul-mouth, and bad attitude had it not been for the fact that my dad was also a cop.

The more I watched John McClain, however, the more I realized that underneath his imperfect exterior was a true hero. Sure, he was a nut, and he screwed up a lot, but you could always count on him in the end. Die Hard remains one of my all-time favorite movies.

Other movies that challenged my perception of what makes a hero included Sean Connery in The Rock, Martin Lawrence and Will Smith in Bad Boys, Wesley Snipes in Blade, and Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.

The hero becomes the villain

Shortly after the turn of the century, I observed another change in how our heroes were being portrayed. This time dark took an even darker turn.

Sin City (2005), based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller, remains an incredibly grim and hyper-stylized story of bad guys doing the right thing. Its brutal violence pushed the anti-hero to the edge, even going so far as to make the audience root for the bad guys. (Let's face it, everyone was a bad guy in that movie!)

Also in 2006 Showtime presented us with Dexter, a hugely popular series that ran for eight seasons, based on the books by Jeff Lindsay. The hero of this series was a serial killer. Oh, sure, he was a conflicted serial killer, and the show did an amazing job at making him likable, but this kind of programming never would've been produced ten years ago.

The hero had changed again, and he was really, really bad.

How far the hero has fallen

Nowadays you'd be hard-pressed to find a film with a perfect, uncompromising hero. If you do, it's probably made fun of—i.e. Metro Man as voiced by Brad Pitt in Megamind, and Emmet as voiced by Chris Pratt in The Lego Movie.

The closest example would probably be Chris Evan's strong-jawed portrayal of Captain America in Marvel's Avengers franchise, but even he is depicted as being an archaic concept from a bygone era.

Has the concept of the "true hero" become a thing of the past? Why are we, as a culture, so averse to the notion of perfection? Why aren't our heroes wholesome anymore?

As much as we as individuals strive for perfection we know we can't reach it, and we're quick to tear down anyone who appears even slightly perfect. Tabloids hound celebrities for their dirty secrets. Politicians attack one another like rabid dogs to expose the skeletons in their closets. For some reason perfection makes us feel awful about ourselves, so when we meet people who seem to have it all together our impulse is to gossip about them, talk behind their backs, smear them, bring them down so we feel better. We hate perfection, and yet we're obsessed with it.

We want to see our heroes win, but it's like we can't buy the scenario unless we can perceive them as being worse than ourselves.

I guess all of this is to say as much as I've embraced the anti-hero with all of his foibles and problems, I kinda miss the heroes I grew up with.

Indie Authors Need To Make Waves, Not Splashes

I've been taking some time away from Children of the Falls and the world of Edhen to focus on a new project. It's a short book that I wanted to write to market as quickly as I could, because as much as I love my gargantuan fantasy novels they do take a while to write. I want to output more books, learn to write better faster, and hook into a popular genre that can actually put some money in my pocket.

Whether us indie authors like it or not we need to be concerned with output. A novel every year or two is not enough. We need to publish more frequently. It's the difference between making a big splash and making waves. A splash lasts for a moment and its ripples quickly fade, but waves never stop.

These past couple of months have been a test for myself. I've measured how long it takes me to write a 70,000 word novel, what my average per hour word output is, and whether I'm more productive at home, at a coffee shop, in the afternoon or evening. It's yielded some interesting insights that have shown me ways I can improve.

For example:

• As much as I love to get a blended latte at Krispy Kreme and work in the corner booth, I've found that my average per hour word output drops from about 1,500 words to a thousand or less while working in a public place. Ouch.
• Interestingly enough I find editing is easier when I'm at a coffee shop away from home.
• At home I did my best writing between the hours of 10pm and midnight with about 1,700 words per hour. I can't focus enough in the mornings or afternoons to obtain that level of output.
• The quality of my work is best when I've outlined what I want to write. Even if that means taking five minutes before my writing time to consider what direction I want to take a certain scene or conversation. When I've got a map to follow the quality and speed at which I write is much faster.

The new mystery novel is a genre jump for me, but it's a genre that sells more consistently than medieval fantasy. The problem with fantasy is that it requires an investment on behalf of the reader. People want to be immersed in the worlds of Middle Earth, Narnia, and Westeros, but they're often hesitant to take the plunge. Getting familiar with a new world is a big undertaking, especially if the author is an indie guy like me.

I appreciate the loyal fans I have for Children of the Falls, but it's time, I think, to expand my horizons.

The new novel, Rabbit Punch, is a vigilante mystery thriller set in a small New England town similar to where I grew up. It was inspired by a news article I read back in 2014 about a 72-year-old retired boxer who defended himself from a 20-something home invader. When this punk kid broke into his home and attacked him with a knife this old man took him down with two punches. The paramedics who responded to the scene described what the kid looked like after being hit by this old former boxing champion—"It looked like he'd been hit by a truck." I found that amusing.

I love old people. I think they're undervalued and underserved in this country. I think they've got so much to say and so much wisdom we can glean from if we weren't so wrapped up in our selfish day-to-day lives.

I'm looking forward to releasing Rabbit Punch for people to read. It's a fun, fast-paced who-done-it story with a dash of brutal vigilantism. Coming soon!

One Of The Best Things About Having An Outline

To outline or not to outline? That is the question every writer must face.

I'm big on outlining. I don't use bullet points or any kind of outlining nonsense they taught in school. My outlines are different. My outlines are straightforward story maps that I make before I start writing a novel. Some of them are so thorough I consider them Draft One.

I outline for many reasons.

1. To quickly get a story out of my system (usually takes about five days) and see if it's even worth writing.
2. To help prevent writer's block further along in the process.
3. To plan foreshadowing events and character arcs.
4. To ensure my story isn't just a sequence of events, but that it contains subtlety and subtext.
5. To build, not just a story, but a world within my story.
6. To make sure I don't screw something up (she starts the story with blonde hair, but ends the story a brunette. Oops!)
7. To help me remember what the hell is going on. (What happened to that guy from Chapter 3?)
8. To hash out plot points in advance so I don't get stuck.

I could go on, but eight is a cool number so I'll stop there.

Recently I began work on a new novel, something I'm aiming to write to market and release later this year. While on vacation I created a very thorough, chapter-by-chapter outline. I practically storyboarded the entire book and in the process found a gem of a story that I'm very excited about.

I started writing the narrative about a week ago, and last night I ran into a conflict with the plot.

"What the frack? Are you kidding me? All that work outlining and I run into THIS?"

Here's what happened.

In a nutshell, I had a character who had written down the license plate number of a suspected child abductor. This character worked at a hardware store and the suspect had been a customer. The license plate number was taken to the police in the hopes of discovering the suspect's name and address. But I ran into a conflict when it occurred to me that the suspect had just ordered some building materials from the hardware store. His name and address were already on file. There was no point in going to the police with the plate number because the hero already the info he needed.

And a whole subplot went down the drain.

Fluuush!

*face palm*

"You're an idiot, Craig. You wasted all that time outlining and look where it got you. Welcome to Writer's Blockville, buddy! I can't believe—"

But then the answer to the problem hit me. Because I had created such a thorough outline, because I knew the arcs of my main characters and knew where the story was headed, my narrative was taking on a life of its own. The solution to the conflict in my plot was already in the story, I just hadn't seen it yet.

Had it not been for my outline I could've wasted hours, maybe even days trying to dig myself out of the plot hole. But after a few minutes of skimming my outline I had a solution.

Outlining has saved my life multiple times. There are good ways to do it, and bad ways to do it, and, in my opinion, downright wrong ways to do it. I'm not saying it's the only way to write, just that this is one example of how it has worked for me.

From Tohellwithit: Those Spiders Are Too Big!

I love living in Maui.

I hate spiders.

No one told me about Hawaii's Giant Cane Spider (capitalized and bolded for effect). That's one of the things you learn after you get here.

I know what you're thinking. "Spiders. What's the big deal?"

Heck, I grew up in rural Vermont around barn spiders and big hairy wolf spiders, but cane spiders are different. They're like spastic anorexic acrobats if acrobats were the things nightmares are made of.

Cane spiders are about the size of a can of tuna, with leg spans that can equal up to five inches. They're super fast, they jump, and, oh, their eyes glow. Did I mention that? Shine a flashlight on them and their freaking eyes light up like headlights. Like demonic silver headlights from the pits of hell.

As if this creature couldn't get any weirder, it doesn't spin webs, it carries its egg sack in its mouth, and it only comes out at night because darkness is how it hides so it can murder you. See? This thing was created to haunt your dreams.

I might be slightly exaggerating.

Maybe.

Truthfully, I really can't complain. Cane spiders are harmless to humans and total pussy cats when it comes to confrontation. On the plus side they eat cockroaches—another one of Maui's delightful little natives that no one tells you about until you're here.

Still I'd prefer my house free of intruders with eight hairy legs.

Terrified in Tohellwithit,

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From Tohellwithit provides an optimistic/pessimistic view on life, love, and all the things that ruffle our feathers from the mind of author C.W. Thomas.

Chocolate Chip Cookie In A Mug - Oh, The Decadence!

I feel like I have to apologize for this blog. It's a recipe for something truly sinful and delicious and goes against everything my wife tells me do to, which is probably why I make it at 11 o'clock at night after she's gone to bed.

I'm talking about Chocolate Chip Cookies. (Bold and underline added for increased impact.)

Actually, in this case, we're talking about a single, hot, gooey, melts-in-your mouth chocolate chip cookie. The best part is this cookie doesn't take an hour to make as you mix the ingredients, roll them into balls, and bake them 12 at a time in the oven.

No, no, no. We're far more clever than that. This recipe takes five minutes to make.

And if you ask if it's a chocolate chip cookie replacement I'm going to slap you. Nothing can replace the chocolate chip cookie. Nothing. Ever! If I have the time and permission from the wife I prefer to make a whole batch of cookies, but when I'm feeling naughty and just want a sweet treat this yummy little devil hits the spot.

I discovered the recipe on FoodGawker a couple years ago, at which point it began popping up on food blogs all over the internet including The Comfort of Cooking, The Sweetest Kitchen, Pure Wow, and pretty much every Pinterest board related to deserts.

I've tried a number of different versions of this recipe, but this one is my favorite. I think the salt and the extra vanilla adds to the flavor.

A FINAL WARNING: Make this at your own risk... and then a drop a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top and pour a glass of milk. Ho-ho-holy heaven!

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Chocolate Chip Cookie In A Mug

Ingredients

1 tablespoon unsalted butter
1 tablespoon granulated sugar
1 tablespoon packed brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Pinch of salt
1 egg yolk
3 tablespoons flour
2 heaping tablespoons semisweet chocolate chips

Directions

1. Choose a microwave-safe mug or small bowl. Place the butter in the mug and melt it in the microwave. Don't burn it. The butter should be melted, not boiling.
2. Add sugars, vanilla and salt. As with any chocolate chip cookie recipe be sure to mix it well. I use a fork and mash/stir/fold until everything is well combined.
3. Add the flour, and stir until combined. It should look like real cookie dough. If it's too runny add a touch more flour, or if it's too stiff add a splash of milk.
4. Stir in the chocolate chips.
5. Microwave it for about 30 seconds. If the top of the cookie still looks wet, microwave it for another 10 or 20 seconds. Keep in mind the cookie will continue to cook on the inside while it's in the mug, so you don't have to overdo it. Just get the top of it looking nice and cake like.
6. Drop a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top and let it start to melt as you poor yourself a glass of milk.
7. Go somewhere private where the kids and/or spouse can't find you. Let the cookie make love to your mouth. No need to give back. This is all about you. Just relax and enjoy!

How To Effectively Kill Your Facebook Posts

What Facebook knows about us is scary.

I was recently talking to a couple of friends who were surprised by the way Facebook ads almost always seem to have something to do with their recent Google searches or browsing history. I explained that it's because Facebook tracks our every move because they're in the government's pocket and someday the government will use that information against its citizens to eliminate undesirables so they can create a utopian society that takes our children and forces them to compete in rigged death matches for the glory of their district.

I'm not freaking out here. The Hunger Games is seriously prophetic stuff, man!

But I digress.

Okay, it might not all be so cloak and dagger, but there's no question that Facebook is the "big brother" of our time. And it all has to do with some very cleverly written and ever-changing algorithms.

What is an algorithm?

An algorithm is a computer program designed to run a sequence of calculations to acquire and tabulate specific data. An algorithm can be programmed to figure out how many users named Craig stalk your Facebook page, or how many users aged 25 read your blog.

In some cases an algorithm can even be programmed to make decisions.

FOR EXAMPLE:
Facebook's algorithm is designed to red flag posts containing words like "free" and "giveaway." This is because the algorithm assumes those key words have something to do with a business. If it assumes you're trying to make money, Mark Zuckerberg wants in. The job of the algorithm is to find those posts and restrict them unless the user decides to pay Facebook to boost the post's reach.

Most of us already know that Facebook only shows what we post to about 10% of our friends and followers. This algorithm was implemented a couple years ago, and it's a change that pissed off—and continues to piss off—almost every single Facebook user. I mean, what's the point of having every member of my family "friend" me on Facebook if the algorithm is going to show only 10% of them what I post?

When you look at it from Facebook's point of view, however, it makes a lot of sense.

Let's say Facebook is the boss of a large department store and we are the employees. Every day the employees come in and sell their own homemade products. The boss isn't going to like having his store used so other people can make money unless he gets a cut. That's exactly what the CEOs at Facebook decided. There came a point where so many people were using Facebook for their business—and making good money at it!—that Facebook came up with an algorithm to restrict interaction with user posts unless posters paid money to increase engagement.

But, like any good boss, Facebook's algorithm can work with you if you try.

Before I go any further...

How the heck do I know this stuff?

Facebook is a large part of my job. Aside from using it for personal reasons and to promote my novels, I also manage several Facebook accounts for businesses and non-profits. Over the years I've read a lot of blogs and listened to a lot of seminars by business professionals, photographers, experts in the field of social media, and others about the dos and don'ts of Facebook. This is just a bunch of stuff I've picked up along the way.

I don't claim to have it all figured out, and some of this information might change in a few months too because Facebook is continually updating and changing its algorithms.

In the least I hope this information helps make you aware of how the social media "program" works.

Making Mr. Algorithm your friend.

You want to know what really kills a Facebook post?

Inconsistency.

One of the worst social media blunders an author can make is to post twice a day for a week and then drop off the map. Once your Facebook page has gone a few days or longer without you logging in and interacting in some way its algorithm decides you're not very interesting. Suddenly you become like a lover trying to win back your ex and you've got to work hard to convince Mr. Algorithm that your posts are worth distributing again.

Another good way to kill your Facebook posts is to be like that one-sided conversationalist at a cocktail party. Don't get onto social media just to talk about yourself. Nobody likes that guy. You need to click on other people's posts, or comment, or like, and/or share their stuff. This tells Facebook's algorithm that you're an engaged participant. The more you engage the more others will engage with you and the more attention your posts will receive. That's why it's called "social" media.

If you have trouble posting consistently there are a number of online programs that can help you schedule posts on a regular basis such as Hootsuite and MeetEdgar. If you're an author with a Facebook business page (also called a "Like Page") you can even use Facebook's built-in scheduling feature to plan your posts days, weeks, and even months in advance. (Unfortunately this feature is not available for standard Facebook accounts, but anyone can start a "Like Page" if they wish.)

And before you ask, no, there is no data to support the idea that using third party programs to do your posting limits your chances of engagement. As far as I know Facebook's algorithm doesn't care who does the posting, so long as it is on your behalf.

How else can I kill my posts?

Authors like to be perfectionists. It's what makes us so imperfect. It's also why we have the hardest time resisting correcting a post if we publish it with an error. But that's a surefire way to get Facebook's algorithm to red flag your post as redundant. Once that happens even fewer than the already paltry 10% will see your post, if any.

If you really need to make a correction then post it in the comments. You can always upload a corrected version of the post later, but wait an hour or so. Posting the same thing too soon can also raise a red flag. Remember, Mr. Algorithm doesn't like redundancy.

Indies need to support other indies.

The best thing us indie authors can do is partner up with other indies. Make a pact with each other that whenever someone posts something everyone will go and like, comment, or share the post. This will immediately convince Facebook's algorithm that the post is interesting. For every reaction the post gets, the algorithm unveils it to more people. You could even get your friends and family in on this too!

Does all of this sound like more work than it's worth? It's really not. All it takes is five or ten minutes a day of hitting up your friends, family, and favorite Facebook pages and liking and commenting on a few things. Be engaging by getting engaged.

A New Novel In The Works

The rabbit punch is one of the most dangerous blows in boxing.

This term originates from a method used to kill trapped or injured rabbits. Rabbit punching has similar effects on humans, potentially resulting in unconsciousness, severe injuries to the neck and spine, and death. Penalties for rabbit punching depend on the offending boxer's intent and whether the blow leads to injury.

Definition

In boxing, a rabbit punch typically refers to a punch to the back of an opponent's head, the base of the skull or the back of the neck. This term is sometimes used to refer to other illegal punches, including blows to the kidneys and back. Because of this and the risk of penalization, boxers rarely intend to land such blows. However, unintentional rabbit punches commonly occur as boxers move quickly or lose their balance during a fight.

Origins

The term originates from a method used by rabbit gamekeepers or trappers to kill a rabbit without spoiling its pelt. Delivering a strong, sharp blow to the back of a rabbit's neck at a 45-degree angle dislocates its neck and severs its spinal cord. This is typically performed with a small, blunt object or by using a chopping motion with your hand. If performed correctly, it is thought to be one of the quickest and most humane ways to kill a trapped or injured rabbit.

Risks

Rabbit punching can have the same effect on boxers as it does on rabbits. A boxer can easily render an opponent unconscious with an accurate rabbit punch. This can result in serious injuries to the brain, neck and spine, with additional damage potentially resulting from falling unconscious. Similar to its use by rabbit gamekeepers and trappers, a rabbit punch in boxing is potentially lethal.

So?

I'm aiming to write to market a mystery/thriller. The idea originated from a cluster of ideas that have been bouncing around in my head for years. It has little to do with boxing, and everything to do with a "rabbit punch."

New Hampshire’s Hatchland Farm’s Coffee Milk Reigns

Maui has it's perks, but when I get a hankerin' for Coffee Milk I'm screwed.

Some people put milk in their coffee. At Hatchland Farms in North Haverhill, New Hampshire they put coffee in their milk, a thick, creamy blend of delicious milk with a coffee flavor. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever tasted.

Coffee milk was one of the few things on my list of “must haves” when we recently made a visit to family and friends in Vermont and New Hampshire.

For me, hot coffee on a hot summer morning isn’t all it should be. I love coffee—though I’ve cut back the amount I intake significantly in recent years—but I can’t drink it when I already wake up sweating and it’s 90 degrees outside. Enter Hatchland Farm’s Rippin’ Good Coffee Milk to save the day. It’s the perfect summer morning drink—cool, refreshing, with a punch of coffee to get me started.

Hatchland Farms is a family owned and operated business that produces and processes their own milk and ice cream products. The farm produces milk from 400 cows, processes it on the farm, and sells it to home delivery customers as well as retail stores throughout New England.

Trip Advisor rates Hatchland Farm’s ice cream as the “best in the north country!”

Make Hatchland Farm’s ice cream stand in North Haverhill, NH, a must stop if you decide to visit the North Country!

From Tohellwithit – My Love/Hate Relationship With My Son

I love my son.

I hate taking care of an infant.

Essentially this tiny person who has moved into our house is everything a tyrant would be sans malicious intent—a very sleepy, whinny, messy tyrant. He wants his pacifier, but he doesn't have enough control of his muscles to A. get it in his mouth, and B. not knock it out of his mouth with his flailing hands.

Every 30 seconds I'm like: Just calm down, open your mouth, and take the pacifier. I know you want it. You know you want it. You're just going to get angry if you don't take it, so take it already.

No, you're not going to eat. Mommy just spent 40 minutes feeding you 10 minutes ago. Right now you need to take a nap. Go to sleep.

Did you fill your diaper? Again? Are you kidding me?

Why won't you go to sleep? You're three weeks old and you've been awake for seven hours. That's not normal. I can see in your face how tired you are, so why are you fighting this? Just go to sleep already!

Oh, NOW you want your pacifier? Sorry, I can't find it because of the hundred times you dropped it on the floor it finally got lost. Way to go, kid.

Cry it out.

My son Toby dreaming tyrannical thoughts.

From the blissful state of Tohellwithit,

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From Tohellwithit provides an optimistic pessimistic view on life, love, and all the things that ruffle our feathers from the mind of author C.W. Thomas.

Dear Manuscript: I'd Rather Eat Grass - A Procrastinator's Story

Yesterday you sat idly and watched as I took my screen doors off their rollers. You listened while I used the garden hose to wash them free of the wind-swept dust that had been clouding my view of Maui's Mount Haleakala for too long.

My allergies will probably thank me later.

I knew you were there, Manuscript, listening, waiting for me to come back to you, but I didn't care. You see, I was procrastinating. I didn't really care about the screen doors. I just wanted something else to do.

Procrastination. Such an ugly word, and yet it plagues 95% of writers—the honest ones anyway. Since starting this blog post I've made my wife lunch, changed baby's diaper, checked my email about 500 times, participated in a lengthy web discussion about whether Iron Man has a catheter in the groin of his suit, replied to several Facebook posts by people I haven't spoken to in years, and Googled "why do dogs eat grass," because when I went to type "why do writers procrastinate," dogs eating grass was the first suggestion Google came up with and that sounded far more interesting at the time.

So why do writes procrastinate?

There are a variety of answers, none of which I know because the thing I've spent the last hour reading about is a case study of 49 dog owners whose dogs had regular access to grass and other plants. The study found that 80% of the dogs had eaten plants at some time, with grass being the most common thing eaten. Apparently dogs eating grass is so common that even wild dogs do it.

Believe it or not the most widely accepted scientific theory as to why dogs do this is boredom. I know. I scrunched my face at that too. Even though there may be dietary or nutritional reasons for some dogs to eat grass, most do it simply because their owners don't engage with them enough.

Huh. How sad.

I'm sorry to have ignored you, Manuscript. On the bright side I now have a nice view of Mount Haleakala, a wealth of knowledge on why dogs eat grass, and a brand spanking new blog to send off into the internet. I'll return to you shortly. For now I think I have some vacuuming to do.

Why do we vacuum?

You're doddling writer,

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Dear Manuscript is an ongoing series by author C.W. Thomas discussing his frustrations with those annoying voices in his head.

Click here to read more.

5 Things You Didn’t Know About Surfing

In the same way that some people say "I don't do pain," or "Nope, I don't do spiders," or "snakes," or whatever.

I don't do athletic. I just can't. But I’m tall and trim so I can fool most anybody into thinking I'm in shape.

The truth is if I didn’t have hands to catch myself I’d have no face from all the tripping and falling I’ve done over the years. My nose would be flat. Just a flat nose. Just a flat face with a flat nose because I’m a big non-athletic clutz.

But apparently I’m good at surfing.

On my first wave I jumped to my feet, kept my balance for a short distance, and sat back down before I wiped out. And I actually did that more than once. That’s surfing right? I'll pretend it is.

Our Instructor From The Zoo

I’ve got to give credit to our instructor though, a man who introduced himself as Armadillo, or Armor for short. He claimed to come from the zoo. He has a brother named Possum, and other family members from the rat species.

Honestly, if you asked me if he was kidding, I wouldn’t know what to say. In between pushing back long strands of gnarled blond locks from his copper face and looking like he desperately needed some weed to take his mind off his hangover, for all I know Armadillo probably actually was born in the zoo.

5 Things You Didn’t Know About Surfing

1. Bikinis and Surfboards Don’t Mix
Most movies about surfing always show the female surfers in bikinis because, well, I think the reason is obvious, but after 10 minutes on a surfboard you begin to realize just how unrealistic that is. Surfboards HURT! Even with a long-sleeved surf shirt my stomach and chest were beat red by the end of our lesson and the insides of my thighs were chaffed from straddling the board.

2. Surfing Should Be Called “S.E.D.”
Surfing shouldn’t be called surfing. It should be called Shoulder Exercise, or maybe S.E.D., for “Shoulder Exercise, Dude," because, really, there's little "surfing" involved. There's lots of paddling and chaffing and falling and swimming and praying and looking for sharks, but surfing is actually a very small part of the whole process.

3. "Surfer Dudes" Are Real
They’re not just some stereotype invented for TV. I already told you about Armadillo, who is every bit the laid back surfer dude you’ve ever imagined, but there were plenty of others just like him with long, scraggly hair, sun-spotted skin, and a nonchalant strut.

4. Surfing Will Kill You … No, Really.
Death is a major deal in surfing. If you don’t do it right it will kill you. There are sharks in the water that can kill you. There are rocks and rock walls that a wave can plow you into in a matter of seconds, killing you. If a wave carries you in too far and too fast even the beach will kill you. When you wipe out there are rocks and coral under the water that will gash your body, slice your arms and legs, and, yes, even kill you.

5. Snowboarding Doesn’t Make You A Better Surfer
I was proud to tell Armadillo that I was a fair snowboarder on the wintery cold mountains of Vermont. He just dropped his head between his shoulders and shook his head. Apparently snowboarders are hard to teach. When your brain is so used to having your feet strapped to the board it can be hard to get your mind to remember that surfing requires you to often change your footing.

Going Back for Seconds?

Unfortunately, cameras and surfing don’t mix, so Danielle and I have no actual proof that we did any of this. We intended to go back and take turns surfing while the other took pictures from the shore, but, honestly, surfing can, like, totally freaking kill you, so we decided to get pizza instead.