Dear Manuscript: I'd Rather Eat Grass - A Procrastinator's Story

Yesterday you sat idly and watched as I took my screen doors off their rollers. You listened while I used the garden hose to wash them free of the wind-swept dust that had been clouding my view of Maui's Mount Haleakala for too long.

My allergies will probably thank me later.

I knew you were there, Manuscript, listening, waiting for me to come back to you, but I didn't care. You see, I was procrastinating. I didn't really care about the screen doors. I just wanted something else to do.

Procrastination. Such an ugly word, and yet it plagues 95% of writers—the honest ones anyway. Since starting this blog post I've made my wife lunch, changed baby's diaper, checked my email about 500 times, participated in a lengthy web discussion about whether Iron Man has a catheter in the groin of his suit, replied to several Facebook posts by people I haven't spoken to in years, and Googled "why do dogs eat grass," because when I went to type "why do writers procrastinate," dogs eating grass was the first suggestion Google came up with and that sounded far more interesting at the time.

So why do writes procrastinate?

There are a variety of answers, none of which I know because the thing I've spent the last hour reading about is a case study of 49 dog owners whose dogs had regular access to grass and other plants. The study found that 80% of the dogs had eaten plants at some time, with grass being the most common thing eaten. Apparently dogs eating grass is so common that even wild dogs do it.

Believe it or not the most widely accepted scientific theory as to why dogs do this is boredom. I know. I scrunched my face at that too. Even though there may be dietary or nutritional reasons for some dogs to eat grass, most do it simply because their owners don't engage with them enough.

Huh. How sad.

I'm sorry to have ignored you, Manuscript. On the bright side I now have a nice view of Mount Haleakala, a wealth of knowledge on why dogs eat grass, and a brand spanking new blog to send off into the internet. I'll return to you shortly. For now I think I have some vacuuming to do.

Why do we vacuum?

You're doddling writer,

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Dear Manuscript is an ongoing series by author C.W. Thomas discussing his frustrations with those annoying voices in his head.

Click here to read more.

Dear Manuscript: No, You Can't Drive

We started out on this journey together with a working understanding of each other's roles. Or so I thought.

I was the driver. You were the road. I was making the turns, reading the maps, deciding if west was better than east or if a pitstop couldn't wait until the next Burger King where I could get a large fry and an ice cold Dr. Pepper.

But you decided Dr. Pepper wasn't worth waiting for. You wanted to stop at McDonald's for a far inferior Coke from a watered down soda machine. So you took over. I don't know when, but somehow you managed to wiggle yourself down into the driver's side and plop me in the passenger's seat strap me into a carseat in the back like a wailing infant. Just who do you think you are?

We need to find a way to work together again. I understand that you've got your own ideas, and that most of them stem from nothing more than intuition, but sometimes we need to plan ahead. (I'm sorry, but Prince Tristian Elle cannot become king of Tranent. It doesn't make sense, no matter how much you want it to. I think. Actually, I don't know about that one yet. It might be kind of fun.)

But I digress.

Let's reevaluate, because my plans for this series are flying wildly off course and I think it's because I've given you the reins one too many times. You had a few good ideas, but it's over. This is a partnership, not a dictatorship. We're like the United States from a hundred years ago, not this tyrannical do-whatever-the-hell-it-wants governing body ruling over us now.

So calm down with your fly-by-the-pants ideas and let's work together on this. We're only at book three with six more to go. Capisce?

Your backseat writer,

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Dear Manuscript is an ongoing series by author C.W. Thomas discussing his frustration with those annoying voices in his head.

Click here to read more.

Dear Manuscript: Where Do We Go From Here?

Dear Manuscript is a series by author C.W. Thomas updated periodically with his thoughts on the hair-pulling frustrations of being a writer. The characters in his manuscript talk to him, and so this is his outlet to talk back. It's sort of a "Dear Diary" meets a Michael Bay film, but no boobs. Please like and comment and give this indie writer some love.

Thanks!

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Dear Manuscript is an ongoing series by author C.W. Thomas discussing his frustration with those annoying voices in his head.

Click here to read more.