From Tohellwithit: Those Spiders Are Too Big!

I love living in Maui.

I hate spiders.

No one told me about Hawaii's Giant Cane Spider (capitalized and bolded for effect). That's one of the things you learn after you get here.

I know what you're thinking. "Spiders. What's the big deal?"

Heck, I grew up in rural Vermont around barn spiders and big hairy wolf spiders, but cane spiders are different. They're like spastic anorexic acrobats if acrobats were the things nightmares are made of.

Cane spiders are about the size of a can of tuna, with leg spans that can equal up to five inches. They're super fast, they jump, and, oh, their eyes glow. Did I mention that? Shine a flashlight on them and their freaking eyes light up like headlights. Like demonic silver headlights from the pits of hell.

As if this creature couldn't get any weirder, it doesn't spin webs, it carries its egg sack in its mouth, and it only comes out at night because darkness is how it hides so it can murder you. See? This thing was created to haunt your dreams.

I might be slightly exaggerating.

Maybe.

Truthfully, I really can't complain. Cane spiders are harmless to humans and total pussy cats when it comes to confrontation. On the plus side they eat cockroaches—another one of Maui's delightful little natives that no one tells you about until you're here.

Still I'd prefer my house free of intruders with eight hairy legs.

Terrified in Tohellwithit,

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From Tohellwithit provides an optimistic/pessimistic view on life, love, and all the things that ruffle our feathers from the mind of author C.W. Thomas.

From Tohellwithit – My Love/Hate Relationship With My Son

I love my son.

I hate taking care of an infant.

Essentially this tiny person who has moved into our house is everything a tyrant would be sans malicious intent—a very sleepy, whinny, messy tyrant. He wants his pacifier, but he doesn't have enough control of his muscles to A. get it in his mouth, and B. not knock it out of his mouth with his flailing hands.

Every 30 seconds I'm like: Just calm down, open your mouth, and take the pacifier. I know you want it. You know you want it. You're just going to get angry if you don't take it, so take it already.

No, you're not going to eat. Mommy just spent 40 minutes feeding you 10 minutes ago. Right now you need to take a nap. Go to sleep.

Did you fill your diaper? Again? Are you kidding me?

Why won't you go to sleep? You're three weeks old and you've been awake for seven hours. That's not normal. I can see in your face how tired you are, so why are you fighting this? Just go to sleep already!

Oh, NOW you want your pacifier? Sorry, I can't find it because of the hundred times you dropped it on the floor it finally got lost. Way to go, kid.

Cry it out.

My son Toby dreaming tyrannical thoughts.

From the blissful state of Tohellwithit,

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From Tohellwithit provides an optimistic pessimistic view on life, love, and all the things that ruffle our feathers from the mind of author C.W. Thomas.

From Tohellwithit – Bad Driving Habits

Introduction
From Tohellwithit is a new series I'll be updating periodically with my optimistic pessimistic thoughts on life, love, and all the monotonous annoyances that ruffle my feathers. Through it I hope to amuse a few readers and provide myself a therapeutic outlet. Enjoy!

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I love driving around and seeing the sights of Maui.

I hate how the locals drive.

PRO TIP

If you ever come to a stop light in Maui, wait a few seconds after the light turns green before you actually go, otherwise you run the risk of getting T-boned by what I have affectionately come to call "a complete moron."

It took me a while to figure this out. I'd be at an intersection three or four cars back. The light would turn green, but nobody would move.

"Move!" I'd say while lifting my hands up off the steering wheel, the universal gesture for, What in God's name are you people doing?

Then one day while approaching an intersection I watched the light turn red as I slowed to a stop, but the car ahead of me plowed through.

"He just ran a red light!" I declared to my wife. "That light turned red looong before he reached the white line. What a complete moron!"

Running red lights is so common in Maui that the locals have learned once a light turns green you need to wait a few seconds just in case there's a red light runner.

Too bad the cost of living in paradise has to be common sense.

From the blissful state of Tohellwithit,