From Tohellwithit: Those Spiders Are Too Big!

I love living in Maui.

I hate spiders.

No one told me about Hawaii's Giant Cane Spider (capitalized and bolded for effect). That's one of the things you learn after you get here.

I know what you're thinking. "Spiders. What's the big deal?"

Heck, I grew up in rural Vermont around barn spiders and big hairy wolf spiders, but cane spiders are different. They're like spastic anorexic acrobats if acrobats were the things nightmares are made of.

Cane spiders are about the size of a can of tuna, with leg spans that can equal up to five inches. They're super fast, they jump, and, oh, their eyes glow. Did I mention that? Shine a flashlight on them and their freaking eyes light up like headlights. Like demonic silver headlights from the pits of hell.

As if this creature couldn't get any weirder, it doesn't spin webs, it carries its egg sack in its mouth, and it only comes out at night because darkness is how it hides so it can murder you. See? This thing was created to haunt your dreams.

I might be slightly exaggerating.

Maybe.

Truthfully, I really can't complain. Cane spiders are harmless to humans and total pussy cats when it comes to confrontation. On the plus side they eat cockroaches—another one of Maui's delightful little natives that no one tells you about until you're here.

Still I'd prefer my house free of intruders with eight hairy legs.

Terrified in Tohellwithit,

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From Tohellwithit provides an optimistic/pessimistic view on life, love, and all the things that ruffle our feathers from the mind of author C.W. Thomas.

5 Things You Didn’t Know About Surfing

In the same way that some people say "I don't do pain," or "Nope, I don't do spiders," or "snakes," or whatever.

I don't do athletic. I just can't. But I’m tall and trim so I can fool most anybody into thinking I'm in shape.

The truth is if I didn’t have hands to catch myself I’d have no face from all the tripping and falling I’ve done over the years. My nose would be flat. Just a flat nose. Just a flat face with a flat nose because I’m a big non-athletic clutz.

But apparently I’m good at surfing.

On my first wave I jumped to my feet, kept my balance for a short distance, and sat back down before I wiped out. And I actually did that more than once. That’s surfing right? I'll pretend it is.

Our Instructor From The Zoo

I’ve got to give credit to our instructor though, a man who introduced himself as Armadillo, or Armor for short. He claimed to come from the zoo. He has a brother named Possum, and other family members from the rat species.

Honestly, if you asked me if he was kidding, I wouldn’t know what to say. In between pushing back long strands of gnarled blond locks from his copper face and looking like he desperately needed some weed to take his mind off his hangover, for all I know Armadillo probably actually was born in the zoo.

5 Things You Didn’t Know About Surfing

1. Bikinis and Surfboards Don’t Mix
Most movies about surfing always show the female surfers in bikinis because, well, I think the reason is obvious, but after 10 minutes on a surfboard you begin to realize just how unrealistic that is. Surfboards HURT! Even with a long-sleeved surf shirt my stomach and chest were beat red by the end of our lesson and the insides of my thighs were chaffed from straddling the board.

2. Surfing Should Be Called “S.E.D.”
Surfing shouldn’t be called surfing. It should be called Shoulder Exercise, or maybe S.E.D., for “Shoulder Exercise, Dude," because, really, there's little "surfing" involved. There's lots of paddling and chaffing and falling and swimming and praying and looking for sharks, but surfing is actually a very small part of the whole process.

3. "Surfer Dudes" Are Real
They’re not just some stereotype invented for TV. I already told you about Armadillo, who is every bit the laid back surfer dude you’ve ever imagined, but there were plenty of others just like him with long, scraggly hair, sun-spotted skin, and a nonchalant strut.

4. Surfing Will Kill You … No, Really.
Death is a major deal in surfing. If you don’t do it right it will kill you. There are sharks in the water that can kill you. There are rocks and rock walls that a wave can plow you into in a matter of seconds, killing you. If a wave carries you in too far and too fast even the beach will kill you. When you wipe out there are rocks and coral under the water that will gash your body, slice your arms and legs, and, yes, even kill you.

5. Snowboarding Doesn’t Make You A Better Surfer
I was proud to tell Armadillo that I was a fair snowboarder on the wintery cold mountains of Vermont. He just dropped his head between his shoulders and shook his head. Apparently snowboarders are hard to teach. When your brain is so used to having your feet strapped to the board it can be hard to get your mind to remember that surfing requires you to often change your footing.

Going Back for Seconds?

Unfortunately, cameras and surfing don’t mix, so Danielle and I have no actual proof that we did any of this. We intended to go back and take turns surfing while the other took pictures from the shore, but, honestly, surfing can, like, totally freaking kill you, so we decided to get pizza instead.

From Tohellwithit – Bad Driving Habits

Introduction
From Tohellwithit is a new series I'll be updating periodically with my optimistic pessimistic thoughts on life, love, and all the monotonous annoyances that ruffle my feathers. Through it I hope to amuse a few readers and provide myself a therapeutic outlet. Enjoy!

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I love driving around and seeing the sights of Maui.

I hate how the locals drive.

PRO TIP

If you ever come to a stop light in Maui, wait a few seconds after the light turns green before you actually go, otherwise you run the risk of getting T-boned by what I have affectionately come to call "a complete moron."

It took me a while to figure this out. I'd be at an intersection three or four cars back. The light would turn green, but nobody would move.

"Move!" I'd say while lifting my hands up off the steering wheel, the universal gesture for, What in God's name are you people doing?

Then one day while approaching an intersection I watched the light turn red as I slowed to a stop, but the car ahead of me plowed through.

"He just ran a red light!" I declared to my wife. "That light turned red looong before he reached the white line. What a complete moron!"

Running red lights is so common in Maui that the locals have learned once a light turns green you need to wait a few seconds just in case there's a red light runner.

Too bad the cost of living in paradise has to be common sense.

From the blissful state of Tohellwithit,

10 Things I’ve Learned With Apartment Living

I haven’t lived in an apartment in almost twenty years.

Many of my earliest childhood memories take place in Unit F, a small two bedroom apartment in Lyndon Center, VT. There were five other units in the building, and while growing up I experienced a range of colorful people moving through them.

As a kid I wasn’t world-weary enough to know how humble those beginnings were. So as an adult moving to Maui, the idea of living in an apartment didn’t sound too bad. And it’s not.

Mostly.

But I’ve changed. Or maybe living in a house for the last twenty years—three of those years were spent living in my OWN house—kind of ruined me for apartment living, even if our complex is right across the street from the ocean.

Seriously, this is the view from the front of our building!

Here’s what I’ve learned so far.

1. NOISE.

There’s a couple acres of “common area” outside encircled by the four buildings that make up our apartment complex. Every day it gets filled with about 60-80 kids playing hopscotch, basketball, volleyball, tag, yelling, screaming, laughing. It can be kind of a madhouse.

2. SMELLS.

Smells are everywhere. Every time I step out into the hallway there’s a new smell. Sometimes it’s a good smell—like if the guy across the hall is cooking a steak. Sometimes it just smells like old cigarettes and body odor.

3. COMMUNAL LIVING.

In an apartment building no unit is an island unto itself. Every bang on the walls, every fast food wrapper that gets dropped in the elevator, every time someone breaks the washing machine because they overloaded it, EVERYTHING becomes a part of your neighbors’ lives. It's called communal living, and it surprises me how few people understand this concept. Most everyone lives day and night like no one else exists, having shouting matches with their significant others, drunken profanity-ridden tirades, loud music, parties.

I find myself asking, "Are people really so stupid as to be this oblivious?"

And myself answers, "You were being rhetorical right?"

4. TINY SPACES.

You just can’t keep a small apartment clean. Ever. There’s only a few nooks and crannies and drawers to hide stuff, everything else has a designated “pile.”

5. THE LAUNDRY.

Doing laundry isn’t as simple as “throwing in a load.” First, you need a stash of quarters to use the communal washers and dryers, and then you need to time your wash cycles in between everyone else’s—if they're kind enough not to let their freshly dried clothes sit in the machine half the day.

6. SPEED BUMPS.

Urgh! The driveway that circles the complex was recently converted from a two way into a one way, but they didn’t remove the speed bumps. So at every entrance, at every corner, there’s not ONE speed bump, but TWO, not ONE chance to slow to .5-miles-per-hour and enjoy a miniature earthquake, but TWO! It’s like having a roller coaster in your own backyard... sans everything that makes roller coasters fun.

7. COMMON DECENCY.

Some people don’t have it. They smoke cigarettes in the entryway (even though the building policy clearly states smokers must be a minimum of twenty feet from the building). They walk around without shirts on, beer bellies on proud display. They curse at their kids in the parking lot. They have domestic fights at the top of their lungs that go on for hours—seriously, how can anyone yell and curse for an hour?

8. WE HAVE A POOL!

In the daytime the pool is pretty much vacant until the kids get home from school, so Dani and I try to use it shortly before noon. She likes laying out in the sun. My Scottish skin doesn’t. So while she tans I sit in the shade and read.

9. SIMPLE LIVING.

We left Vermont with four suitcases full of the bare necessities. It was hard leaving so much behind, but we’re realizing how easy it is to get along without so much... stuff. Would my waffle maker be nice? Sure, but you know what, pancakes are just as good!

10. IT’S PARADISE.

I mean, really, at the end of the day I’m still living in freaking Maui! Every night as Dani and I pray together I’m thankful for how blessed we are to be here.

8 Things We've Learned About Maui

There is no such thing as a perfect paradise on Earth, but Maui comes pretty darn close. Warm ocean waters teeming with beautiful sea life. Breathtaking views from all over the island. Food so good you'll think you're dreaming. And enough zip-lining, boat-riding, parasailing, surfing, swimming, hiking, and sun-tanning to occupy adventurists of any age.

Ultimately—as our chill surf instructor would say—"It's all cool, bro."

Still, this paradise isn't without its drawbacks. I'm totally nitpicking here, but for anyone looking to vacation on Maui, here are 8 things you might want to keep in mind.

1. Bad Directions

For some reason the locals don't know how to give directions, so if you get directions, make sure they are very, very specific. Because sometimes "hang right and it's on your left" really means "turn right, drive two miles, you'll see a really complicated intersection with lots of touristy stuff, but if you turn left down the really narrow one way road that you can't really see because of the palm trees and keep your eyes looking to the left you'll eventually see a really small building with a tiny pink sign that says Hala-ooh-I-Can't-Pronounce-This-Word in minuscule print and that'll be right next to where you want to go."

Other times it's as simple as, "See that sign that says, 'Do not enter'? Enter there." (Seriously, someone said that to us, but, hey, it got us where we wanted to go.)

2. Beware the Tip Jar

Maui is all about tourism, which means most of the locals work in the service industry and thrive off tips.

This gets especially irritating when you book a tour as part of a "package deal," like we did with our sunrise/bicycle/zip line tour. We had no less than five different people to tip—the bus driver who picked us up, the sunrise tour guide, the bicycle tour guide, the zip line guys, and the driver who took us back. We didn't have enough cash to tip everyone, but if we had that would've easily been $80 in tips to three different companies for one excursion.

3. Timeshare Discounts

Danielle and I wanted to go on a whale-watching tour, so we went to Boss Frog's, one of Maui's top tourism meccas for anything and everything you want to do.

A Super cool dude named Mark said he had a great deal for us—a $140 dinner cruise on which we would see whales for $12 if we agreed to sit through a timeshare presentation for 90 minutes. Ninety minutes. That's nine, zero. Super Cool Mark told us if they didn't hold to that to let him know.

Dinner, a boat ride, whales, all for $12? I can suffer a 90-minute blowhard, sure.

But the dinner cruise was a disappointment. It wasn't technically a "whale watching tour," so the captain wasn't obligated to seek out whales. We saw some way out on the horizon, but not as up close as the official whale-watching boats. The food was mediocre, the drinks were disappointing, and don't even get me started on the timeshare people who did not stick to their 90-minute promise—two hours and ten minutes later we were still listening to their spiel.

Back to Super Cool Mark.

When we told him about our disappointing experience he did us a solid and sent us on a whale-watching tour at 50 percent off the listed price. Thanks, dude!

4. Rent a car.

Don't argue. Just do it.If you go to Maui, rent a car. There shouldn't be any ifs, ands, or buts about it. Your own transportation is a must. Taxis are expensive. Buses are scattered and slow. And you might have a hotel with a very rocky beach when there is a silky, sandy beach just two miles down the road. Fortunately a car came with our vacation package, and we used it every day.

5. Read the Fine Print

I knew my beach-loving wife would want a hotel room next to the ocean, so when I booked the hotel I was sure to note that I wanted a room with an "oceanfront room."

The room we got was TECHNICALLY on the oceanfront, but only because the building it was in was an oceanfront building. The room itself faced the parking lot!

I doubt it was the intention of the hotel owners to be misleading in this way. It was likely Expedia's fault for not communicating to the hotel that we had selected an oceanfront room, or perhaps Expedia duped us.

Whatever the case, when I showed the lady at the hotel's front desk my receipt for the room and that it very clearly said "oceanfront" she quickly and kindly moved us to a much better room with a majestic view of the Pacific.

So be careful when you book to read the fine print, but don't be afraid to inquire about discrepancies.

6. Lost in Translation

Speaking of communication errors, we noticed several times there was a breakdown in communication between companies—whether it was between Expedia and our hotel, the timeshare people and Super Cool Mark, or the three different companies operating our sunrise/bicycle/zip line tour.

It seemed like everyone was on their own schedules, but no one was on anybody else's.

When so many cooks are stirring the pot there needs to be better communication.

That goes for websites, too. Three times we encountered situations where what we got was not what was offered on the website—not the least of which was Anthony's, a little hippie cafe that offered picnic lunches with rentable coolers on their website. When we stopped there on the Road to Hana, we found out that lunches were more expensive than the website listed, and cooler rentals were no longer an option. You had to buy one for $8. The food wasn't that great either.

7. Hawai'i is Not America

Yes, I know Hawai'i is PART of America, but it's culture is so far removed from anything American that you'll sometimes feel like you're in a different country. Most road signs are in Hawaiian. Most locals speak Hawaiian—or some form of the Asian language. Most Hawaiians have no clue about life on the mainland. They have their own customs and quirks that can be frustrating if you're not expecting it.

8. Aloha ... You Dumb Tourist

Hawaii might be called The Aloha State, but real Hawaiians don't seem to say, "Aloha." Trust me, as a tourist, you'll get Alohaed at every corner, but if you start saying it back you'll stick out like a sore thumb.

Real Hawaiians say, "What's up, brudda!" or "What's up, sister!" They're also fond of "Hello," "Hi," and the more modern, "Hey!"

Oh, and if you think about flashing the "hang loose" hand sign, it's ok. Everybody does it. But you're not in Southern California, so don't call it "hang loose." In Hawai'i, it's the Shaka.

Studies Prove It: Daylight Saving Time Is Asinine

It's always been my personal belief that Daylight Saving Time is stupid. Turns out I was right. Turns out that aside from increasing risk of heart attack, providing adverse mental health in some people, screwing with national and international communication, mixing up global transportation patterns, frustrating farmers, complicating business transactions, and ruining my life twice a year, the only positive thing about DST is that at one point in history it didn't exist.

When The Dumb Began

DST has been used for about 100 years, although its genesis is credited to Benjamin Franklin, according to www.timeanddate.com. Franklin proposed the idea—although a little jokingly—to economize the use of candles by getting people out of bed earlier in the morning, making use of the natural morning light. The idea was never implemented in his lifetime because people didn't take it seriously.

It wasn't until 1895 that a New Zealand entomologist (bug-collector) by the name of George Vernon realized that his love affair with bugs could last longer every day if he had more daylight hours to play with. He proposed a two hour time shift instead of the one that we grudgingly endure today.

This idea was picked up by another genius, William Willett, whose motivation for lobbying DST was his growing aggravation that dusk kept cutting short his after hours game of golf.

That's right, folks. Golf.

It wasn't until World War I that this idea began to catch on. While Europe did its best to commit genocide the west thought DST would be a great way to save energy during war time. DST wasn't observed again until WWII and was officially adopted in the US in 1967.

The "Energy Conservation" Myth

Energy conservation has long been touted as one of the many reasons for DST to remain in effect (though just how much energy it saves has never been proven), but even if DST did, at one point, help save energy, energy consumption has changed greatly since the days of coke stoves and steam engines. In a 24/7 global economy DST no longer serves its purpose.

Most modern studies of DST show little to no benefit and/or reason for it in regards to energy conservation.

What The Facts Show 

• The National Research Council of Canada issued a report in 2008 that indicated fuel consumption actually rises during DST because "…with an extra hour of daylight in the evening people tend to go out more."


• One of the major backers of legislation to keep DST in effect is 7-Eleven, ostensibly to allow the good children of America more time to go out and buy a torso-sized Slurpie. Obesity, folks. DST contributes to obesity.


• When Indiana made DST mandatory in 2006, Dr. Matthew Kotchen examined several million monthly meter readings from a three year period. He found that having the entire state switch to DST each year, rather than remain on Standard Time, cost Indiana households an additional $8.6 million in electricity bills.


• Arizona does not recognize DST. They tried it for one year in the 1960s, but there was so much negative reaction that they never tried it again. Some also said that without DST, the state still managed to save heating and cooling energy in the summer (northern hemisphere) months.


• Kazakhstan abolished DST in 2005, citing negative health effects on more than 51 percent of its population.


• Farmers, who must wake with the sun no matter what time the clock says, are greatly inconvenienced by having to change their schedules to market their crops to businesses observing DST and therefore generally oppose it. (www.standardtime.com)


• In 2008 The Wall Street Journal declared: "Daylight Saving Wastes Energy," and cited Dr. Kotchen's report as well as others.

The "Circadian Rhythm"

Health therapist Shawn Kirby says the negative health repercussions of DST can last for weeks in some people. He says the human body's physical and mental behavioral swings caused by day/night changes and sleep patterns—known as the Circadian Rhythm—is essential to a person's mental health and balanced stress levels. This natural rhythm within our own bodies connects us to the world while DST routinely interrupts it.

"Suicides in men and heart attacks were both found to significantly spike with the 'Spring Forward,'" Kirby says.

In Closing

Even apart from the data, DST shows no reasons to exist. I mean, "time," as we know it, is an artificial construction, measured only by agreed-upon convention. The only purpose of measuring time with a clock is to coordinate action. The actual numbers on a clock don't matter; the clock says whatever we, as a society, agree that it should say. On a global scale observing DST completely destroys the original purpose for which time and the clock were created—some countries observe it; some don't. As a result world time becomes confusing. While observing DST, time zones get screwed up; all clocks and electronic devices must be changed, or programmed to run functions that cause the change. This massive, mostly-computerized switchover inconveniences millions of businesses and individuals every year. DST interrupts what is, otherwise, a smoothly operating convention of coordinating global actions.

Let's face it, DST is an outdated, onerous, ridiculous, asinine "illusion." It is unneeded, unwanted, and pointless. If you really need an extra hour of daylight to play gulf or hunt bugs, GET UP AN HOUR EARLIER!

Stop the madness of pointlessly changing time twice a year. End Daylight Saving Time! Sign the petition at www.standardtime.com.

Moving to Maui: Surviving the Dreaded DMV

The DMV sucks. Even in Maui. Like any government-run organization it just can't do things quickly, easily, efficiently, or without the hair-pulling frustration of the latest nonsensical Common Core Standards.

Seriously, what's the greatest innovation at the DMV in the last 40 years? A bench? A “Take a number” system? Great, the DMV has finally narrowed the gap with my local super market.

All kidding aside (I know I started the above paragraph with "Seriously..." but, seriously, I'm just kidding around here.)

Anyway, when you move to Hawaii there are a few interesting things to keep in mind when it comes to transferring your driver's license, registering your car, and buying insurance.

To help you avoid the clunky process we went through, here are the steps of how things should be done.

STEP 1: What NOT to do

If you sell your vehicle with the intention of buying a new one in Hawaii, don't be so quick to cancel your insurance. When you apply for new auto insurance there are discounts offered for being "previously insured." Have your old policy number handy when you're talking to an insurance rep.

STEP 2: Earning your driver's license... again

Fortunately the DMV in Maui isn't as scary as it is everywhere else in the universe. However it is a little strange. To get your Hawaii driver's license you'll need to take a 25 question multiple-choice written test, an eye test, get your photo taken, and your thumb and index finger printed. You'll need two forms of ID (i.e. old driver's license, passport, birth certificate) and two pieces of mail confirming your place of residence in Hawaii. It's cost you about $15.

STEP 3: Passing the safety inspection

All cars in Hawaii two years old or older have to undergo a pretty strict environmental safety inspection. You will need to have proof of insurance, the vehicle's current registration (even if it's in the previous owners' name), and the title with you when you go to have this done.

STEP 4: Back to the DMV. Oh yay.

Actually, like I just said in Step 2, they've got that "Aloha spirit" at the Hawaii DMV, so it's not that bad, even if the wait time is three hours. To register your car you will need a) proof of insurance, b) safety inspection certificate, c) title, d) screwdriver for applying/removing new/old plates, e) patience, f) approximately $16.

All of these steps in this order work as a kind of combination lock. Once completed you will be welcomed into the bosom of mother Maui with a flowery lei and a luau. Ok, not really, but it'll feel like this...

Island Time: I Don't Know What It Is But It's Awesome

I think my wife and I were destined to be "islanders" the day we decided to honeymoon on Kelly's Island in Lake Erie and we got our first taste of "island time."

Actually, we wanted to hit up the roller coaster capital of the world in Sandusky, OH, but then someone told us about Kelly's Island, which is just a short ferry ride north. So on our honeymoon we rode roller coasters and spent a lot of time basking in the sun in a little island community. And I loved it!

Island time is defined differently depending on who you ask. Some say it simply means a time later than what the clock says. Others say it has to do with an unwillingness to conform to the norms and structure of modern culture.

But it's more than that.

Island time encompasses a way of life in relation to the attitude you have about the world and the people around you. It's no coincidence that islanders have far fewer worldly possessions and are happier, feeling more fulfilled with a love for life and experiences. They're enriched by enjoying every moment that passes. Not concerned about the mistakes of yesterday. Not worried about tomorrow, but fully involved in today. THAT'S island time.

When Danielle and I vacationed in Maui, HI, last January we fell in love with the place. It was like coming home, a feeling I never felt before.

Even before that, however, we were feeling called to a simpler life. We sold our house. We started downsizing our possessions. And once we got a taste of Hawai'i we slowly began the long process of moving there. Right now we hope that by January we'll officially be "islanders."

What does this mean for my writing career? I'm hopeful that nothing will change. I've been writing since I was 14. Had my first novel published when I was 18. I've authored two other books and edited, illustrated, and designed countless others.

With my fingers fully embedded into my new fantasy series Children of the Falls, I'm in for the long haul. I look forward to completing this series while sitting on the beach, enjoying the sights and sounds of the ocean, pretty girls, and pina coladas.