Ultimately—as our chill surf instructor would say—"It's all cool, bro."
Still, this paradise isn't without its drawbacks. I'm totally nitpicking here, but for anyone looking to vacation on Maui, here are 8 things you might want to keep in mind.
1. Bad Directions
For some reason the locals don't know how to give directions, so if you get directions, make sure they are very, very specific. Because sometimes "hang right and it's on your left" really means "turn right, drive two miles, you'll see a really complicated intersection with lots of touristy stuff, but if you turn left down the really narrow one way road that you can't really see because of the palm trees and keep your eyes looking to the left you'll eventually see a really small building with a tiny pink sign that says Hala-ooh-I-Can't-Pronounce-This-Word in minuscule print and that'll be right next to where you want to go."
Other times it's as simple as, "See that sign that says, 'Do not enter'? Enter there." (Seriously, someone said that to us, but, hey, it got us where we wanted to go.)
2. Beware the Tip Jar
Maui is all about tourism, which means most of the locals work in the service industry and thrive off tips.
This gets especially irritating when you book a tour as part of a "package deal," like we did with our sunrise/bicycle/zip line tour. We had no less than five different people to tip—the bus driver who picked us up, the sunrise tour guide, the bicycle tour guide, the zip line guys, and the driver who took us back. We didn't have enough cash to tip everyone, but if we had that would've easily been $80 in tips to three different companies for one excursion.
3. Timeshare Discounts
Danielle and I wanted to go on a whale-watching tour, so we went to Boss Frog's, one of Maui's top tourism meccas for anything and everything you want to do.
A Super cool dude named Mark said he had a great deal for us—a $140 dinner cruise on which we would see whales for $12 if we agreed to sit through a timeshare presentation for 90 minutes. Ninety minutes. That's nine, zero. Super Cool Mark told us if they didn't hold to that to let him know.
Dinner, a boat ride, whales, all for $12? I can suffer a 90-minute blowhard, sure.
But the dinner cruise was a disappointment. It wasn't technically a "whale watching tour," so the captain wasn't obligated to seek out whales. We saw some way out on the horizon, but not as up close as the official whale-watching boats. The food was mediocre, the drinks were disappointing, and don't even get me started on the timeshare people who did not stick to their 90-minute promise—two hours and ten minutes later we were still listening to their spiel.
Back to Super Cool Mark.
When we told him about our disappointing experience he did us a solid and sent us on a whale-watching tour at 50 percent off the listed price. Thanks, dude!
4. Rent a car.
Don't argue. Just do it.If you go to Maui, rent a car. There shouldn't be any ifs, ands, or buts about it. Your own transportation is a must. Taxis are expensive. Buses are scattered and slow. And you might have a hotel with a very rocky beach when there is a silky, sandy beach just two miles down the road. Fortunately a car came with our vacation package, and we used it every day.
5. Read the Fine Print
I knew my beach-loving wife would want a hotel room next to the ocean, so when I booked the hotel I was sure to note that I wanted a room with an "oceanfront room."
The room we got was TECHNICALLY on the oceanfront, but only because the building it was in was an oceanfront building. The room itself faced the parking lot!
I doubt it was the intention of the hotel owners to be misleading in this way. It was likely Expedia's fault for not communicating to the hotel that we had selected an oceanfront room, or perhaps Expedia duped us.
Whatever the case, when I showed the lady at the hotel's front desk my receipt for the room and that it very clearly said "oceanfront" she quickly and kindly moved us to a much better room with a majestic view of the Pacific.
So be careful when you book to read the fine print, but don't be afraid to inquire about discrepancies.
6. Lost in Translation
Speaking of communication errors, we noticed several times there was a breakdown in communication between companies—whether it was between Expedia and our hotel, the timeshare people and Super Cool Mark, or the three different companies operating our sunrise/bicycle/zip line tour.
It seemed like everyone was on their own schedules, but no one was on anybody else's.
When so many cooks are stirring the pot there needs to be better communication.
That goes for websites, too. Three times we encountered situations where what we got was not what was offered on the website—not the least of which was Anthony's, a little hippie cafe that offered picnic lunches with rentable coolers on their website. When we stopped there on the Road to Hana, we found out that lunches were more expensive than the website listed, and cooler rentals were no longer an option. You had to buy one for $8. The food wasn't that great either.
7. Hawai'i is Not America
Yes, I know Hawai'i is PART of America, but it's culture is so far removed from anything American that you'll sometimes feel like you're in a different country. Most road signs are in Hawaiian. Most locals speak Hawaiian—or some form of the Asian language. Most Hawaiians have no clue about life on the mainland. They have their own customs and quirks that can be frustrating if you're not expecting it.8. Aloha ... You Dumb Tourist
Hawaii might be called The Aloha State, but real Hawaiians don't seem to say, "Aloha." Trust me, as a tourist, you'll get Alohaed at every corner, but if you start saying it back you'll stick out like a sore thumb.
Real Hawaiians say, "What's up, brudda!" or "What's up, sister!" They're also fond of "Hello," "Hi," and the more modern, "Hey!"
Oh, and if you think about flashing the "hang loose" hand sign, it's ok. Everybody does it. But you're not in Southern California, so don't call it "hang loose." In Hawai'i, it's the Shaka.
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